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12th February 2003
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: swamp
Posts: 1,681
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good morning amerikkka
Babs Holland: Well good morning everyone, I'm Babs Holland and welcome to the Morning Show. It's 6:00 in the AM and coming up on today's show we'll be speaking with actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, learning how to make a wonderful tofu casserole from Nigella Lawson, and be hearing music from James Taylor. First let's check in on the weather with Al Stockley. Al?
Al Stockley: It's gonna be cold out there Babs so everyone better bundle up, more on that in a bit. Babs Holland: That's great Al. Of course my co-host, as always, is Bill Peters. Bill Peters: GOOOD MOOORNNNINNG EVERYONE! Babs Holland: Well, good morning Bill. Bill Peters: And as always you look lovely this morning Babs. Can you tell she's five months pregnant? I mean you can't, can you? Babs Holland: Why thank you Bill. Coming up we'll be learning how to fix a tire, I'll actually be learning, we'll also be speaking to actor/director George Clooney, and we'll be talking to some young school children who don't want their teacher to go off to fight in Iraq. Such a sad story, isn't it Bill? Bill Peters: Sad, sad, sad. Of course he did sign up for the reserves and knew what he was getting… Babs Holland: Okay let's go over to Al who is standing outside with some folks who came all the way from Kansas to see us this morning. Al? Bill Peters: Why did you cut me off, I was… Babs: Sorry Bill, but I was told we NEED to go over to Al. Al? Al Stockley: Thanks Babs. I'm here with folks from the Esoteric Miracle Lutheran Chapel from Elkhart, Kansas. Hello everyone. Lutheran people: HI AL! Al Stockley: Well aren't we excited to be on TV. And of course they all want to say hello to some folks back home. Hi what's your name? Older Woman: Gladys. Al Stockley: And Gladys, who do you want to say hello to? Older Woman: I just want to say hello to Reverend Dickies back home in Elkhart. He's down with a case of the gout and couldn't join us on this trip. Al Stockley: What a shame that is. We wish the good reverend lots of luck in his recovery. Older Woman: WE LOVE YOU REVEREND! Not to worry, the dark skinned mongrels will pay… Babs Holland: Okay, thanks Al. Wow, never know what they'll blurt out do you. Coming up later this hour we'll hear from a woman who survived being shredded in a combine and now runs her own aromatherapy business. A heart warming story to say the least. Bill Peters: (silence, Bill stares at Babs angrily.) Babs Holland: I know that with my third child on the way, that as a mother I would be heartbroken if that happened to one of my children. You know I went to my gynecologist the other day, Dr. Albert Friedman who is a great doctor for those out there looking, and I could see my new baby kicking on the ultrasound. So wonderful…I…(Babs tears up). Bill Peters: Oh, can the Academy Awards performance. It's always about your damn kids and pregnancy. Don't you think the general public is a little bit sick of all your self-centered babble. Babs Holland: What…I…Bill… Bill Peters: Let's get on to news why don't we. There's a new series of ads on TV, you may have seen them. They show SUVs being driven with the tagline "Thanks for supporting Global Terrorism." Not to get off the subject of yourself Babs, but what do you think of these ads? Babs Holland: Well, I think they're wonderful. My husband, Matthew, and I have always refused to drive these gas-guzzling vehicles and actually drive the new hybrid cars made by Toyota. SUVs use more gas and increase our dependence on foreign oil. Bill Peters: You just had to spin it around to yourself didn't you? Okay Susan Surandon, let's see…you and MATTHEW drive hybrid cars right? Babs Holland: Yes. Why are you… Bill Peters: Okay these are cars that utilize electrical power and gasoline correct? Babs Holland: Yes, but… Bill Peters: So they still require gasoline to run. Babs Holland: True but not as much as… Bill Peters: So by that logic, anyone who drives a car is contributing to global terrorism, even if they drive a hybrid car. Babs Holland: What? No? wait… Bill Peters: Congratulations Babs! You and MATTHEW are both proud sponsors of Osama Bin-Laden like the rest of us, you hypocrite! Babs Holland: That doesn't make any sense… Bill Peters: You ninny, go back to talking about your kids before you embarrass yourself even further. Let's go over to Al. Al Stockley: Thanks Bill. You know I have to agree with you. I mean SUVs are safer vehicles and …. Bill Peters: Oh shut up and give us the weather fat man. No one pays you to think! Al Stockley: (looking quite hurt by Bills remarks) Partly…partly cloudy…40 degrees with a…a chance of rain in the afternoon….Dan! Dan! (Al walks off camera). Bill Peters: Thanks chunky boy. Later on in the show we'll be talking to TV psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw - maybe I'll ask him to arm wrestle - hearing the PS 103 school choir sing some god-awful songs that would be of interest only to old women and pedophiles, and I'm sure Babs will ramble on about her pregnancy some more. Babs? Babs Holland: Well thank you Bill. You now it's interesting you should mention pedophiles as your new wife, your 5th I might add, is just 19 years old. You met her at a strip club didn't you? Bill Peters: Why you…I….!! Babs Holland: Did you tell her your real last name was Lefkowitz? Bill Peters my ass. You're about as Anglo-Saxon as Woody Allen. Okay on to the impending war in Iraq. Bill Peters: (off camera) You gentile whore!!! Babs Holland: Keep it up and I'll mention that little needle trick you need to do before having sex in order to get it up MR. PETERS. What an ironic choice for a last name considering you can't get it up without "medical assistance." President Bush today stated that Iraq has weeks not months to comply with UN Resolutions, stepping up the administration's train-wreck march towards war in Iraq where thousands of American soldiers, mostly black and Hispanic citizens, will most likely die so Bill can drive his SUV around. Bill Peters: Ah, the liberal buffoonery comes out once again. Do you have any idea how the oil market affects the entire world economy you ignorant broad?! Babs Holland: Right, the 5% of the oil supply provided by Iraq will really throw the oil market into a tailspin. Nice logic. Can you say, "Can't capture Osama Bin-Laden, so we'll go after an easier target." Bill Peters: So you ignore Saddam Hussein's support of terrorism and his quest for weapons of mass destruction in exchange for peace, thus putting yourself in greater danger of attack? How would you feel if we didn't go to war and then he attacked us with a dirty bomb or a chemical weapon? Babs Holland: So we escalate the threat of war thus ensuring a terrorist attack in retaliation for our invasion of Iraq? Bill Peters: The best defense is a good offense you whore! Babs Holland: Violence begets violence you limp-dick, ball-bag motherfucker! Bill Peters: (silence) Babs Holland: Now, coming up next we'll be speaking with... (Suddenly a coffee mug flies on screen and hits Babs square in the forehead). Babs Holland: You bastard! Take this you fucker! (Babs grabs the vase of flowers and breaks it over Bill's skull. The two are scrambling about in a mess. Bill slugs Babs in the jaw knocking out a few teeth. Babs gouges Bill in the eyes, causing blood to pour from his sockets. Interns, producers, and cameramen scramble to pull them apart. Quickly they cut to Al Stockley). Al Stockley: (looking very confused and disturbed) Okay, um weather looks …cloudy…with a chance of …. (Suddenly a coffee mug comes flying at Al's head. He ducks just in time) Al Stockley: (enraged) Cocksucker! You're a dead man Peters! (Stockley runs off camera for an instant, comes back on screen for a split second carrying a chair over his head, and then disappears. A loud crash is heard in the background). Commercial: The new Ford SUV… the only hybrid SUV that saves on gas! |
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12th February 2003
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#2 | |
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Just add a gabber kick
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7,220
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12th February 2003
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#3 |
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ain't no half-steppin'
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Minneapolis, MN - USA
Posts: 1,072
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scroll down..then read...scroll down..then read...scroll down..then read.
my finger, my eyes, my intellect, oh the damn suv's again. |
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12th February 2003
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#4 |
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Burnt out
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Druid Hills
Posts: 8,799
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man oh man. what a funny way to start my day.
I have always wanted to see something like happen on live tv. thanks to deccard for the laugh and making my cold feel a bit better. *cough cough* |
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13th February 2003
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#5 |
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noteknotechne!
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Central England
Posts: 4,602
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well.. i'm laughing my head off here...i haven't read anything quite so funny since the monty python 'argument clinic' sketch
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13th February 2003
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#6 |
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ups
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: swamp
Posts: 1,681
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13th February 2003
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#7 | |
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ain't no half-steppin'
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Minneapolis, MN - USA
Posts: 1,072
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*runs out door to closest hardware store, buys duct tape* *rushes over to IP and tapes head back in place to avoid a mess* *gives praise to the amazing power of duct tape once again* |
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