jokes?

[Ruben A]

post some to make my day funny!!

On a golf tour in Ireland, Colin Montgomerie drives his Jaguar
into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish
countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing
pro is.
"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Montgomerie nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick
up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt
pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"Theyre called tees" replies Montgomerie.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the
Irishman.
"Theyre for resting my balls on when Im driving" , says
Montgomerie.
"By God" , says the Irishman, "Dem boys at Jaguar tink
of everything!"

[jamyna]

Guy walks into a bar with a large carp under his arm. Says to the
bartender, "do you sell fish cakes?"
Bartender says "certainly sir".

Guy says "Good, 'cause it's his birthday."



boom tit boom tit

[Magnumforce]

George Bush jnr, is the moral guardian of the free world..

[pille'ocheoni]

OK HERE'S ONE|WHAT'S BRUCE LEE'S FAVORITE THING TO DRINK?........................ .............W.....A.......T.. .....A......

[Loz]

my favourite joke ever:


Why are tractors magic?

Because they go down a road, and then turn into a field.

BOOM BOOM

[Loz]

Polar bear walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says "I'd like two pints of bitter........................ ...


.....and a packet of crisps please."

Barman says "why the big pause?"

Bear replies "dunno, was born with them."

[Loz]

Man goes to a Golf Club, walks up to the receptionist and says "I'm a country member."

Receptionist looks up and says "Yes, I remember."


(if you don't get it, say it out loud)

[Loz]

last one:

Q: What do David Beckham and Des O'Connor have in common?

A: They're both fucking awful singers.


Ayethangyoo.

[eclairfi]

whats yellow and smells of bananas ?
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monkey sick.

arf arf:-p

[techno-cat]

why did the chicken cross the road?
















for foul purposes!

hehe

[pille'ocheoni]

whats the differnce between a man and a dog?
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a man wears trouser's and a dog pants!...........

[Mercedez Ben]

why don't sharks eat clowns?





because they taste funny!



and




why can't helen keller make babies?






because she's dead!

[pille'ocheoni]

what do you call an arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
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.____________a pimp!

[pille'ocheoni]

a plane is about to crash...when a young lady stands up and cries who can make feel like a woman one last time?


a guy stands up ripps his shirt off and says iron this bitch....!

what do you do when the dishwasher breaks?


slap her......


thats are sexiest fun for today!sorry all women out there.

[Ruben A]

A bear and a rabbit were out walking in the forest, when both had to go to the "toilet"... with a lot of fart´ing and stuff the bear asked the rabbit: "Excuse me, have you ever had any problems with shit sticking to your fur??"
"No!?" says the rabbit....









So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit...



:D

[Ali]

Mahatma Gandhi was a very wise man indeed, yet because he travelled barefoot on hot, dusty, rocky terrain he developed huge callouses on the soles of his feet. The heat, coupled with his meagre food provisions meant he was of a skinny and frail demeanor, and because of his poor diet he also developed bad breath.

So, what did that make him...?

A super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

[pille'ocheoni]

ali|good one-that must have took forever for whoever thought of that!

[eclairfi]

What did the wife do when she found out that her husband was gay?









Turned her back on him AND TOOK IT LIKE A MAN .


guffaw.

[gunjack]

a guy walks into a bar and says:



"OUCH".

[Sheridan]

these are only jokes so don't get too ofended.

the babie joke:

what's better than nailing a baby to a wall?




pulling it off.

how many babies does it take to paint a house?




just that one. (let it marinate)


what is the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?





you only need one nail to hang a picture of jesus.



why can't jesus eat m&ms?






because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.


how do you know jesus has been in your house?





there are bloody m&ms all over the floor.




thank you, I will be at the laugh factory all this week.

[Mui]

woo hoo....the good taste bar has been well and truly removed so...

What's white and lies at the bottom of the pool?


A dead baby



Where do you find a quadrapliegic?


Where you left him



What's got 2 legs and bleeds?


Half a dog

[aleks]

a boy and a pedophile are out at night walking towards the forest. the boy says "it´s dark!i don´t like it!i´m scared!" the pedophile says "you´re scared!i´ve got to walk back out of here on my own"

[aleks]

what´s the difference between acne and catholic priest?




acne will usually not come on a kid´s face until around 13 or 14

[wheezer]

what's red, sits in a corner and cries?

a baby sucking on a razorblade.

[Daddys Girl]

What do you call a stupid dolphin?

A flipping idiot.

;o) D_G

[Mercedez Ben]

how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?


pick it up and suck its dick.

[Mercedez Ben]

so one day georgee bush and his pa decide to go on another good ol' fashioned fishin' trip. so they're sittin' on the ol' boat, smokin' a fat blunt when little georgee whines "dadee i really gotta take a shit!"
well they dock the boat and go to the ol' suburban to get some toilet paper. much to lil' georgee's dismay, they had forgotten to bring any. "don't worry," says pa "just use a dollar."
since pa always knows best, georgee walks into the woods with a smile, confident as a rooster.
20 minutes later georgee-boy returns with his hand justa' covered with crap. "look at ya' boyee! now ya' went and got shit all over your damn hands!" says pa.
"that ain't the worst of it dadee," replies little georgee "now we gotta go to the hospital!"
"well what the dog shit for?"
"soree dadee," cries poor little georgee "but you said to use a dollar and, well, i did! only now i got four quarters stuck up my butt!"

[eclairfi]

Whats the difference between a lorry full of babies and a lorry full of marbles?
-
-
--You cannae pick marbles up with a forklift....


Did you hear aboot the quadropleigic juggler?
-
--he dropped all the quadropleigics......



What do you call a thalidomide in a wedding dress???
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-a shuttlecock



*titter titter*

[Ruben A]

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.

She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''

The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.

In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''



;)

[V Knid esq]

A rabbit goes into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher: "Got any carrots?"
Butcher: "No. This is a butcher's shop. We don't sell carrots."
The rabbit goes back the next day. "Got any carrots?"
"I told you yesterday. This is a butchers. We don't sell carrots."
This goes on for several days until the butcher finally snaps:
"Look if you come in here again asking for carrots, I'm going to nail your stupid, bloody, floppy bunny ears to the floor."
The rabbit hops off.
The next day he comes back again.
Rabbit: "Got any nails?"
Butcher: "No."
Rabbit: "Got any carrots?"
A rabbit goes into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher: "Got any carrots?"
Butcher: "No. This is a butcher's shop. We don't sell carrots."
The rabbit goes back the next day. "Got any carrots?"
"I told you yesterday. This is a butchers. We don't sell carrots."
This goes on for several days until the butcher finally snaps:
"Look if you come in here again asking for carrots, I'm going to nail your stupid, bloody, floppy bunny ears to the floor."
The rabbit hops off.
The next day he comes back again.
Rabbit: "Got any nails?"
Butcher: "No."
Rabbit: "Got any carrots?"

[malaclypse]

gandhi was asked: "and what do you think about western civilisation?"
"oh, that would probably be a good idea!"

[gunjack]

what do you call magic johnson in a wheelchair?


rollaids.







how many country western singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11.

1 to screw in the new bulb and 10 to sing about the pain of losingt the old one.

[stevo]

what is the difference, between george bush and an bucket full of shit?





the bucket!

[Basic]

Q.Who said "defeat is good"?
A.Nelson Mandela's Chiropodist

Q. What's the first thing a woman does on leaving a battered wives shelter?
A. The dishes if she knows what's good for her!!


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small Village
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "Can I talk to
your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

[tHe tRaCkHeAd]

wHaT`s bLuE aNd dOeSn`T FiT ???




















A dEaD ePilePtIc.....





(Father forgive me)

[gunjack]

what's green and red and spins round and round really fast?



a frog in a blender.

[eclairfi]

Whats got 3 legs and lives on a farm ?


The McCartneys.........

[Basic]

What's heather mills name changed to?

Eileen McCartney

What's grey and smells of curry?

John Major's cock

[Sheridan]

how do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?




you wave.



how do you drown a blonde?





put a scratch n sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.



how do you know a blonde has been using the computer?





there is white out all over the screen.

[gunjack]

how do you make a dead baby float?




two scoops if ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.